For a person who has spent her whole life being pampered and cocooned from my family, it came with lot of effort to say to myself that ‘I want to go alone’.
My brother, much like the rest of my family, has been my personal cheer leader. He always tries to nudge me out of my comfort zone. He, in his own way, always tries to teach me how to be independent.
“Go to a café on your own”. “take a train to Hubli, alone.”. To him, independence was something you build one small step at a time. Those little experiences, he believed, would prepare me for tougher decisions of life. So, when I decided to go to Delhi for a short fellowship in laparoscopy, he was more than happy to hear and push the idea.
Delhi or ‘Dilli’ as I had heard a decade ago always fascinated me. My first time to the Capitol was a few years ago, filled with great joy and with two amazing people in life, was for a wedding. So, Delhi had already engraved such beautiful memories in me.
But at the same time, I knew that this time was going to be different. This wasn’t a holiday, this is what I chose for myself, my education and my career, looking back now, it was for my own growth.
So, when I told my family, “I want to go and I want to go alone,” only I knew how difficult those words were. As expected, my parent’s first instinct was to protect me. “No, you can’t go alone, I will come with you”, said my dad. My mother started checking if she can take leave for a fortnight to come along.
Lot of convincing later, I got a yes from them- my happiest moment. Almost immediately, I feel scared, which obviously I tried my best to not show.
I did some shopping, trying to prepare myself for a place I knew very little about. Cotton kurthas & light clothes not just to beat the Delhi heat, also to make sure, it’s hospital appropriate.
I had spoken to few seniors about the place who went before me. Although they shared much details, nothing ever satisfied my scared mind, I preferred answers in extreme details – what? When? Who? Where?, but also my shy brain doesn’t want to push anyone to details.
One experience shared by colleague, during weekends, she and her partner did small trips in and around Delhi, as exciting as it sounded, it was bit scary to try think of trying it on my own, so tried avoiding mentioning unnecessary details from other’s trip to my family, I wanted to keep them at ease, although I let one or two stories slide by when I spoke to my brother.
The bags were packed, my tickets were booked, and because single-room accommodation was allotted on a first-come, first-served basis, I decided to reach Delhi two days early.
On the day of my journey, my parents and my brother came to drop me at the airport. I hadn’t travelled by air very often, and airports still felt a little overwhelming. It feels strange to admit that, here I was – a doctor, a postgraduate, an adult — yet something as simple as navigating an airport still made me nervous.
But then I realised something, it wasn’t because I wasn’t capable. It was because I had rarely needed to do it alone. Someone had always been there — my parents, my brother, my then partner – quietly taking care of the little things, making life feel easier, making ordinary moments effortless, without ever making it obvious.
No, it wasn’t about being rich, or being spoilt. Yes, privileged for sure to be loved and cared for, but definitely blessed to have them.
It was simply love.
After checking in, I walked towards the gate, there was no more familiar faces, no one guiding me.
Announcement echoed “Passengers boarding to Delhi…”
It was then, I realised, this was no more just an idea, just in my head, it was going to be a reality soon.
Yes, Delhi would teach me many things- a story for another day, but this small decision was no less than rollercoaster for me — an overthinker.
Now that I think of it, journey had begun long before flight took off.
It began the moment I told myself, “I want to go alone.”